|Emily AC: Multi-Talented Comedian||
I've been cooking up a GREAT set. I feel very sorry for my husband, right now... It just looks to him like I'm smoking weed all day and smoking cigarettes whilst listening to music rocking back and forth muttering to myself and making violent gestures every now and again :)
People occassionally ask why my husband doesn't support my stand up... Like Jeff Gonzalez's ugly, fat, disgusting, pigheaded friend; for example. Of course... when Jeff Gonzalez's ugly, fat, disgusting, pigheaded friend has a special way of asking: "So..." *licks lips, knods, raises eyes and broadly smiles* "... where's your husband.
My favorite response to this was: *eyebrows raise, eyes get wide in irritation, smile gets cocky* "Oh my gosh!" *said slowly like speaking to a child that you really want to understand something* "You ask the same thing everytime I SEE you! It's like you don't hear a word I say AT ALL or your skull is just that thick." *eyes flash a challenge*
My husband is very supportive. He knows the plan. He just hates all of the open mic-ers. It's not his fault... he's better than everyone else, too... But my husband is the yin to my yan.. he's the sweety (well, sweeter... we have the same principles; use different tactics).
Listen; my husband looks forboding. NO ONE has ever stalked this motherfucker except for nerdy girls that knew him, personally, and could clearly see he was a nice guy.
Tough guys have to convince girls that they are better; but nerdy girls pick men for practically any reason other than "I'm a big, bad stereotype and I'm proud of it! I'm FINE to be fit into a mold that has been placed... nay... SUGGESTED to me from similar men instead of LISTENING to the opposite sex when we tell you we hate that. Even if it does mean that I may never achieve the SUGGESTED goal! That life is better... even if I don't live that life, personally, and LIKELY never will! (and they call ME crazy).
Anything else onstage is funnier than that... AND sexier. SEXIER. Deal with it. It isn't my problem if you can't!
Uhhhhllll! I hope someone reading was there when that icky dude did a set about how nerds can't "eat pussy..." This is because he met my husband and wasn't impressed. The number one way to get me to hate you is to diss my husband.
He was just trying with every fiber of his yucky, dirty, stupid self to turn me on about "eating a pussy..." a billion times. Please understand... this is a suggestion trick. He made sure never to look at me during my set... to make me think it wasn't about me...
But... BITCH, PLEASE! He isn't my hubby just 'cuz he's a care bear! Go check yourself, ugly! My man's got himself some skillz that I NEVER want him to lose! And I get practically daily treatment... so.. I don't think so!
He tried to impress me with his intellect by pronouncing 'clitorus' correctly. Nope. Yes; it's annoying that people say it wrongly... but in the age of new speak everyone sounds a like a fucking idiot; so what the hell do I care?
He RACES to me outside after hearing my set (y'know... how I'm married and love my husband and I'm sick of dudes hitting on me). Why? Because the asshole learned the trick to controlling crazy people suggestion. And he used his real feelings to display it... so for one of those drug addict, drunken, titty-bouncing, high-maintenance chicks probably would've.
He says, "What did you think of my set?"
Me: I can't remember what I said, honestly... it was so cool and casual and suave about it... it was along the lines of: 'I thought it was completely mortifying.' ...to be continued...